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Dec 30, 2007
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If you had to, would you do it again?
Before I begin this morning I want you all to know that I do not have the answers. This is not about what I figured out this week. What I do have are a lot of questions and complications. The more I delved into this subject over the past week, the more complicated it became. I am not able, in the time we have, to address all the complications that have occurred to me – and I’m sure that what has occurred to me is just the tip of the iceberg. As you think about and feel your response to the things I’m about to say I’m sure you will come up with your own complications and questions. The point of this whole reflection of mine today is that there are no easy answers. I could just end there since I’ve stated my point up front, however, I will continue.
Since most of you don’t know me I thought it would be a good idea to share a couple of my foundational beliefs with you. First, I believe that we share divinity with Christ. This is how I interpret scriptures like the one in the Gospel of John where Jesus is recorded as saying, “I am in the Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.” My second foundational belief that I’d like to share with you is that I believe that this world that we live in is integrated with the world of the Holy. The world of the Holy has also been called the Realm of Heaven or the Kingdom of God. In other words, I believe that we participate in creating heaven on earth by living in to our divinity.
In the Gospel of Matthew, Joseph dreams of an angel and this angel tells him what to do. That’s the kind of direction that many of us wish we could get. On the other hand, when someone tells us that they have had a dream where an angel tells them what to do we may wonder at their ability to discern between reality and fantasy. Divine direction is expected in the Bible and those who receive it only sometimes second guess themselves. The story that we heard this morning is disturbing and I have to wonder if Joseph questioned the authenticity of his angel-dreams.
The dreams that Joseph had did not exactly make his life easier. First he ends up marrying his fiancé who is pregnant by other means than his, next the son born to his wife is threatened by Herod. This is followed with his having to take his new family into a foreign country to live and then eventually come back to the land of his people. These are the sacrifices that he personally had to make on account of his angel-dreams. While these sacrifices made his life much different than he had probably imagined, they were inconveniences compared to the infanticide that the families of Bethlehem endured under Herod’s command.
According to this story every child in and around Bethlehem who was two years old or under was murdered. Herod ordered this infanticide because the men he sent out, we know them as ‘the wise men’, tricked him. These men were also warned in a dream about Herod. The infanticide in Bethlehem was the result of the decisions of the wise men and of Joseph.
Although it isn’t stated in the text, I can imagine that there were times, after the consequences unfolded, that Joseph wondered if he would make the same decisions in the future. It seems likely to me that the news of the infanticide in Bethlehem would reach Joseph in Egypt. That had to affect him. Did he feel blame for what happened? Did he blame God or the angel? These are all questions that I think might run through our minds, should such a thing happen to us. Is this my fault? Did I misunderstand the angel or was the angel wrong? What about God? Couldn’t God stop this from happening? We have no record of what Joseph thought. The story that we do have indicates that whatever was going through his mind … whatever he was feeling … he kept on going. There was one point of hesitation for Joseph. Verse 22 says that Joseph was afraid to go to Judea, so another angel-dream guided him to go to the district of Galilee. Joseph was a young idealist probably when he had the first dream where the angel told him he should take Mary as his wife. But by the third dream he was older. He had learned a few things. He did not disregard the dreams, but it looks like he followed their instruction a little differently, thinking about the consequences.
I am not an angel and this is not a dream. At least most of you appear to still be awake. I am speaking to you today, Dec 30th in the year 2007. It is the eve of New Years Eve. It is typical for us at this time to reflect on the decisions that we’ve made throughout the year … even throughout our lives … and to try to decide if we would make the same decisions, if we had to. Depending on what has happened throughout the year we may question our ability to hear the voice of the Holy or we may question the Holy. I know I’ve done both several times over the course of my life. I have questioned to the point of not being able to function or make a decision. “If I had to,” I’ve wondered, “would I do it again?” And I would sit there not knowing if I would or wouldn’t – if I could or couldn’t. Friends, if you are in this place I encourage you to find a good therapist. The One Who Loves Us does not want us paralyzed with fear. I think there is a healthy way to question ourselves so that we will learn. Let’s do that. I encourage us all to assess where we’ve been and where we’re going. But at some point this kind of reflection can paralyze you with fear or confusion.
We can become paralyzed in one area of our life or completely. We may see the consequences of some of our decisions and become unable to cope. Often when a person gets to this place they quickly cover it up due to shame. None of this, friends, is freedom. None of this is liberation. And none of it, I believe, helps us or anyone else. Just like Joseph, we make the best decisions that we can with the information that we have. We might make a mistake, but again, like Joseph, we must keep on going. If we become fraught with anxiety about past decisions then I believe the best thing to do, with the help of a competent counselor, is to feel that anxiety or to acknowledge the confusion. This life we are living is complicated. I try to simplify mine as best as I can, but still, it is complicated. I’m sure Joseph felt that when he moved his family to Egypt and Herod responded with a killing spree. He might have wondered if he had done something different if he could have changed what happened. But Joseph didn’t kill those babies. Herod did.
That doesn’t mean that sometimes we aren’t complicit with evil systems and structures. If we turn away from the truth of torture and war then we are among those responsible. When we don’t speak up when we see oppression then we are being oppressors. That being said, I think in our society we often focus too much on who is to blame. On one level, whether or not you and I are personally to blame for whatever has happened is not the point. If I am to blame for something I need to own that, apologize and make amends as best I can. If I am not to blame then I need to own that too. But in either case I need to take a next step – I need to move forward.
We can so easily become stuck in thinking about “What if…”, but getting stuck there does not move us forward. I’ve been thinking about Joseph and how he had to make one touch decision after another. At first blush it doesn’t look like he was making any decisions, but at any point he could have simply said “no”. When he found out about what happened in Bethlehem he could have become stuck in a spiral of doubt, unable to move from Egypt or maybe even take care of his family. I have no doubt that he was traumatized by what he learned, but with the strength of the Holy he was able to keep going forward.
What do I mean by going forward? I’m taking about equal parts grace and will, equal parts faith and works. Going forward isn’t simply picking yourself up by your bootstraps and doing what you think you have to do. There’s a time for that kind of response, but I think it’s a temporary thing. Sometimes going forward is figuring out how to look at your internal pain. Sometimes it’s taking the risk to learn about someone else’s. There are lots of ways to go forward. Whether I take a micro step or a quantum leap I’m still moving. Sometimes going forward is resolving to never “do it that way again” or to “always do it that way in the future.” More often than not, I believe that going forward is to honestly realize that you don’t know if you would do it that way or another way – if it comes up, you’ll make the decision. We can only control so much, but what we control is important to acknowledge. We can also only decide so much, and I believe that we have to be flexible at all times.
This telling of the story of Joseph gives us so much to ponder at this time of ritual renewal – as we celebrate the coming of the New Year. Joseph made decisions based on what he believed were instructions from an angel of the God that he worshiped. Not every decision that he made is recorded in this story, and neither is it implied that the angel gave him instructions from God for every decision that he had to make. Joseph participated with the Holy in living his life. The decisions that he made affected many more people than he could have imagined. That is true of us also. I presume that most of us gather in this place because we want to live integrated lives with the Holy. We make the best decisions that we can, and when we realize that we sin, then we repent. I hope it’s also true that when we realize we have grown closer to the Holy or are living more in alignment with the Realm of Heaven, then we rejoice. This is the assumption that I’m going with. We get told all the time that we’re not trying hard enough or we don’t care enough, and maybe sometimes we don’t. But as people of faith, my assumption is that we want to care enough and to try enough.
So, looking back on your year, “If you had to, would you do it again?” Go ahead and spend some time on the question. Mediate on this question in the presence of the One Who Is, who is also The One Who Was There. Don’t dodge the question, but don’t dwell on it either. Then make peace with your past, peace through rejoicing and repenting. Chances are that you will have opportunity for both expressions. Make peace. Let your experience of yourself inform your future, and then let it go as best you can. Intentionally work on letting it go so that it doesn’t become a ball and chain. It is recorded that Jesus said his yoke is easy and his burden is light. We all know that the work of following the teachings of Christ is difficult. But maybe the burden of our Christian commitment can be lightened as we learn how to reflect and then let go. I believe that when we are stuck in the mire of cyclical reflection that we are not growing into our own divinity and we are not participating in the realization of the Realm of Heaven on earth. The good news that I have to offer you today is that you can participate in the world of the Holy. As you reflect on this past year I hope that you can believe that you are integrated with divinity and that you participate in the collaboration of the world of the Creator and the world that was created. The Holy lives among us and we live in the Holy. In so believing, I challenge you to ponder your faith and your works, to ponder the grace in your life and the will of your life. Ponder, rejoice, repent, and then take a step.
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